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Baby, You never knew how special you are.
When we last talked on the phone, you said that you knew there was
something...but couldn't quite remember. I'm sorry that I
didn't tell you the story often enough. While I always knew
in my heart that you were a special gift from God, I was also
often ashamed to admit how I knew this:
I'd had an abortion at age 18. A few years
later, when I was married and wanted children, I found I was
unable to conceive. Doctors told me that it was hopeless, if
I did conceive, that I would not be able to carry a child.
For 3 years your Dad and I tried. One night, we were at
church with PawPaw; the sermon touched me and I knew that only the
Lord gives life and only He takes it away. That night when I
prayed, I admitted that I did not deserve a child, especially one
as beautiful and precious as you. God knew the desire of my
heart, but He wanted to know that I understood how precious you
were. I didn't ask Him to give you to me, for I knew that I
didn't deserve you. I asked Him to grant me the peace to
accept my "punishment" with grace and to not blame Him
for my mistakes.
The next month, I was pregnant with YOU.
YOU are the direct answer to my prayer. It was not a
coincidence, and you were not just something that happened as the
natural result of a biological function. You ARE the
evidence that there is a God in heaven who is alive and merciful
and He does answer our prayers. You belonged to Him from
before the foundation of the Earth was laid and He only lent you
to me for a little while.
I was blessed to have you loaned to me for 30
yrs, 7 months and 22 days.
There are those who simply don't understand, and
may never understand. You and me and the Lord know what you
and I shared the last few weeks of your life on earth.
I pray that perhaps someday they can see that you were special in
ways they never even considered. Yes, you were kind, you
always put others ahead of yourself. There are a thousand
things about you that made you obviously special. I pray
that those of us left behind to mourn the loss of you will someday
realize and understand the less obvious reasons of what made you
God's Special Gift.
Love, Mom |
